Watching Spectre is an agonizing, and strangely pitiful experience. Sam Mendes has constructed a Frankenstein’s monster of a film; made up of a patchwork plot hastily strung together and given life, only to shamble sluggishly through its two and a half hour screen time. For an avid fan of the franchise, it’s a hard thing to watch – poor dialogue delivery, hackneyed action, and rambling story all contributing to a general feeling of “Who cares?” that will jar even the most hardcore fan of the series. The most atrocious moments of the movie are the scenes where you can almost see the film starting to come together and make something good, only to be swiped in the face as the movie returns to its own cliché trappings. It’s pure wasted potential.

Admittedly, the first half of the movie is at least watchable – it has some of the classic elements of this franchise, and manages to execute them decently. While watching the first part of the movie, I felt content, if not absolutely thrilled. In fact, the best scene of the movie occurs in the first 20minutes. It’s the title sequence. No, not the scene where the conflict is introduced, but rather, the opening credits. Here is where the vision of the movie is really visible – as Spectre is introduced in a dreamlike, creeping sequence set to Sam Smith’s Writing’s On the Wall. Shattered fragments and references to other Daniel Craig James Bond movies are scattered amongst sinister CGI imagery. It sends chills down the spine. That being said, there are plenty of problems within the first half as well – every so often there’s a hint of the nonsensicality to come, such as the the cringeworthy helicopter scene at the beginning, in which Bond blatantly and unashamedly defies basic laws of aerodynamics.

The biggest issues with the movie occur when the plot begins to unfurl. Bond (Daniel Craig) prompted by a video message delivered to him after the death of Judi Dench’s M in Skyfall, travels to Mexico City to fulfil the dying wish of his beloved boss – that dying wish being to kill Marco Sciarra (Alessandro Cremona), a criminal plotting to blow up a stadium. The ensuing attempt, while successful, creates a diplomatic fiasco which leads to Bond being “grounded” and revoked of his license to kill by the new M (Ralph Fiennes), who is under hot water following the merger of MI5 and MI6 after the events of the previous film. C (Andrew Scott), the new director of British Intelligence, plans to usher in a new era of global surveillance by combining the intelligence agencies of nine major countries across the globe in a program known as “Nine Eyes.” Bond travels to Rome to attend a meeting of the organization Sciarra was a part of  – SPECTRE, which he is subsequently chased out of – but not before learning that Sciarra was set to eliminate an old enemy of Bond’s – Mr. White (of Quantum of Solace, played by Jesper Christiansen). He finds Mr. White, dying of thallium poisoning, in Austria. Mr. White asks Bond to bring down SPECTRE and protect his daughter, Dr. Swann (Lea Seydoux), and gives him a cryptic bit of advice for further clues. It’s at this point you’ll want to consume some thallium yourself, because the plot becomes unbearable to follow.

Already a winding, contrived thing by this point, the plot becomes full of “twists” that are insulting not only to the characters, but also to the audience’s intelligence. The performances get worse and worse, as if the actors themselves realize how bad this plot is and are absolutely fatigued by it. Worst of all is Lea Seydoux, whose lines could have been better delivered by a cinder block in a blonde wig. While the few lines she has in her native French are decently well-acted, everything English sounds like it’s being voiced by Microsoft Sam. On the other hand, Daniel Craig manages to do pretty well for himself. However, the biggest travesty the movie commits on its actors is its treatment of Christopher Waltz, who gets a staggering fifteen minutes of screentime as the villain. Most of this is simple exposition, as well.

Visually, however, it’s fun to look at. I love the long cuts at the beginning and the sweeping scenery. But overall, it hurts to watch. It’s so painful. Don’t see it.

★☆☆☆☆